Inspirational Words from a Little Girl
My 5-year-old daughter saw me in my sad state and told me “Mommy, why are you sad?” And that was the first time I paid serious attention to her because she’s too young to ask me questions like that (I think). It got me thinking. After all, the cause of my depression was my life’s lack of peace.
We were at her dad’s house. Her dad and I kinda argued about stuff parents normally argue about. We fought about money because I’m not earning that much yet ‘coz I’m still in college, and I’m still just an OJT. He’s the only one who’s really working. I have lots of problems in school and at home. I really can’t take it anymore. I don’t wanna talk about problems when were together (my kid’s dad and I live in separate homes ‘coz were not yet married).
All the responsibilities and obligations I have are so tiring. I’ve attempted to commit suicide lots of times already. People may think that I’m shallow, but I’m not, ‘coz if I am, I would be dead by now.
When I was in 2nd year college, I flunked a subject for the first time. I really felt bad. My parents punished me by not enrolling me the next term. I was an alcoholic then that’s why I failed the subject. So I tried to kill myself one time when I was really drunk, I bought Valium from my friend and drank all of it with alcohol when I got home. I survived. During that time, I had a dream about how I would die. I was having a heart attack then I suddenly lost consciousness. Then the doctors in my dream pressed this electronic thing (I don’t what it’s called) on my chest, trying to revive me. I woke up the next morning, without my parents suspecting what I’ve been doing.
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I got carried away there and I said too much. Anyway, when my daughter asked me “Mommy, why are you sad?” I looked at her and said, “Anak, Mommy’s not sad. I’m just thinking on how Mommy will earn lots of money so that she can buy you lots and lots of toys. You like that?”
“Yes po Mommy.” She answered. Then she started jumping and giggling.
“So you have to study well so that you will have lots of money to buy lots of toys, okay?” I told her and smiled.
“Mommy, I prayed to God like this oh…” then she started reciting a prayer, “Lord, please help Mommy and Daddy with their homework so that they can buy me lots of Barbie. And please tell Mommy to go home early so that she can help me with my homework and sleep beside me always. Amen.”
I was touched and a bit guilty as well. I drink with my friends when I have problems instead of going home early to spend time with my daughter. I couldn’t believe that my little girl could say such things. She didn’t sound like a 5-year-old. I guess I wasn’t there every minute of everyday to watch her grow up.
From now on, I’m gonna stop drinking and smoking, and I’m going to do this for my kid. I love her so much and I wanna show it to her before it’s too late.
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