Remembering Him… Again!
I am not a girly kind of girl. I’m actually very boyish. In fact, my hobbies are mostly boy stuff, like playing games like DotA, Left 4 Dead, Counter Strike, Free Style… Tekken… (sighs)…I play a lot of games and they’re too damn many to mention. I also like basketball and rock music.
When I met my EX-boyfriend when he was not yet my boyfriend, I was waaaaaaaaaaaaay more boyish than I already am now. He was my major crush and my best friend. We did a lot of boy stuff together.
Then one day, he realized that he likes me. Then after that, he fell in love with me… and yada, yada, yada… And to cut the long story short, he became my boyfriend.
And then my transformation began…
It all started with reading self-improvement books and magazine articles. I wanted to be a better person… I wanted to be the girl for him. I wanted him to be proud that I was his girlfriend. I wasn’t equipped with all the answers ‘coz most of my friends were boys (until now). How the heck are they supposed to know how to act like a girl?
Then I started opening up with my EX-boyfriend who was still my boyfriend that time, prattling about my emotions or how something makes me feel. It’s what separates men from women, no matter how boyish they are.
I remember the time when I first got jealous of girls. But my boyfriend just said, “Okay lang yan. I love you just the way you are…” which to me meant, “I love you even if you’re not as pretty as they are.”So I struggled to become more attractive. And to tell you honestly, if I looked like the way I look like now back then, I wouldn’t have any reason to be jealous of those girls. Hehe, yabang! LOL.
I was scoping out other girls, especially the ones I was jealous of. I think it’s only natural to check out the competition even for girls like me. I compared myself with them and secretly wondered what I’d look like if I had bigger boobs than them, or skinnier than them, hehe. I still do this until now.
I also learned the art of window shopping. I can spend an entire afternoon boutique-browsing and admiring pretty things without making a purchase. It’s not pathetic. It’s ingenious! While I was looking at girls’ clothes, I can’t stop thinking about how I would look like in it. So I didn’t just window shop. I bought new clothes as well, until all the boy clothes in my closet were replaced with girly clothes.
Ever since my EX-boyfriend became my boyfriend, I’ve been spending eons in the bathroom before I go and meet him. After taking a bath, I go to my closet thinking “I have nothing to wear!” as I stare into a closet crammed full of clothes. Then I spend ages putting on make-up, trying to make it look natural as possible.
Before, he finds this adorable because he thought I love him so much that I want to look my best every time I’m with him, and eventually, he started to become very annoyed.
Years later, he started to become mean and less appreciative. We started fighting and fighting over shallow and stupid things… until I’ve lost him to someone else… =( God! Here I am again blogging about him. I really miss him. He changed my life (Queue You changed my life in a moment by Sarah Geronimo LOL).
Oh well, at least I don’t feel that much hatred anymore. Instead of thinking about painful memories, I’d reminisce instead the wonderful memories I’ve had with him. I can’t avoid him forever ‘coz he is still the father of my daughter. I mean, we’re still young. Who knows what could happen?
Maybe I could change some negative things about me along the way. I’ll just enjoy my life as it is now and be happy coz I deserve to be. =)
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