Remembering Him… Again!

I am not a girly kind of girl. I’m actually very boyish. In fact, my hobbies are mostly boy stuff, like playing games like DotA, Left 4 Dead, Counter Strike, Free Style… Tekken… (sighs)…I play a lot of games and they’re too damn many to mention. I also like basketball and rock music.

When I met my EX-boyfriend when he was not yet my boyfriend, I was waaaaaaaaaaaaay more boyish than I already am now. He was my major crush and my best friend. We did a lot of boy stuff together.

Then one day, he realized that he likes me. Then after that, he fell in love with me… and yada, yada, yada… And to cut the long story short, he became my boyfriend.

And then my transformation began…

It all started with reading self-improvement books and magazine articles. I wanted to be a better person… I wanted to be the girl for him. I wanted him to be proud that I was his girlfriend. I wasn’t equipped with all the answers ‘coz most of my friends were boys (until now). How the heck are they supposed to know how to act like a girl?

Then I started opening up with my EX-boyfriend who was still my boyfriend that time, prattling about my emotions or how something makes me feel. It’s what separates men from women, no matter how boyish they are.

I remember the time when I first got jealous of girls. But my boyfriend just said, “Okay lang yan. I love you just the way you are…” which to me meant, “I love you even if you’re not as pretty as they are.”So I struggled to become more attractive. And to tell you honestly, if I looked like the way I look like now back then, I wouldn’t have any reason to be jealous of those girls. Hehe, yabang! LOL.

I was scoping out other girls, especially the ones I was jealous of. I think it’s only natural to check out the competition even for girls like me. I compared myself with them and secretly wondered what I’d look like if I had bigger boobs than them, or skinnier than them, hehe. I still do this until now.

I also learned the art of window shopping. I can spend an entire afternoon boutique-browsing and admiring pretty things without making a purchase. It’s not pathetic. It’s ingenious! While I was looking at girls’ clothes, I can’t stop thinking about how I would look like in it. So I didn’t just window shop. I bought new clothes as well, until all the boy clothes in my closet were replaced with girly clothes.

Ever since my EX-boyfriend became my boyfriend, I’ve been spending eons in the bathroom before I go and meet him. After taking a bath, I go to my closet thinking “I have nothing to wear!” as I stare into a closet crammed full of clothes. Then I spend ages putting on make-up, trying to make it look natural as possible.

Before, he finds this adorable because he thought I love him so much that I want to look my best every time I’m with him, and eventually, he started to become very annoyed.

Years later, he started to become mean and less appreciative. We started fighting and fighting over shallow and stupid things… until I’ve lost him to someone else… =( God! Here I am again blogging about him. I really miss him. He changed my life (Queue You changed my life in a moment by Sarah Geronimo LOL).

Oh well, at least I don’t feel that much hatred anymore. Instead of thinking about painful memories, I’d reminisce instead the wonderful memories I’ve had with him. I can’t avoid him forever ‘coz he is still the father of my daughter. I mean, we’re still young. Who knows what could happen?

Maybe I could change some negative things about me along the way. I’ll just enjoy my life as it is now and be happy coz I deserve to be. =)

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Tags: basketball, best friend, boy stuff, Boyfriend, boyish, Counter Strike, Dance with the Devil, DotA, Freestyle, games, girly, Left 4 Dead, love, major crush, memories, Nagashiko, Rhoda Fajardo, rock music, self-improvement, Tekken, transformation, Wilfred Santos

My Life is Complicated

Once upon a time, I tried to kill my unborn baby. I also planned of giving her up for adoption because I didn’t want to have a child yet, especially when I was not sure if my boyfriend wanted the baby or not.

Thinking about all of those days when I was still pregnant with her, was a nightmare. Especially when my boyfriend said, “Sigurado ka bang ako ang ama niyan?” There were a lot of things that happened in my life that I couldn’t forget even if I wanted to, and the most unforgettable experience was my pregnancy. Maybe that’s why most of my actions were out of control and irrational.

I still hold a grudge against my boyfriend even though our daughter’s big now. I have blamed him a lot of times because I was not able to use my education to take the UPCAT, because I really want to study in UP. Luckily, Mapua was still open for entrance exams after I gave birth to my kid. At least I got in, and I’m taking up Architecture.

Unfortunately, having a child at my young age became a disadvantage because first of all, I’m the mother, and mothers take most responsibilities on their children. I have greater obligation with my child than of his dad. Having a child changed my lifestyle, my priorities and my attitude (I don’t like to elaborate further).

If not because of my daughter, I could be in jail by now, or worse, I could be dead. She saved me from all the sins that I might commit if she was not born and the sins that I might do all over again.

We could have aborted her, but we didn’t. We could have got married, but we haven’t. We could have lived in, but we didn’t. But instead, we took the mature and difficult choice of having our daughter, and wait (and still waiting) for the day that we’ll be ready to make our relationship legal… and its marriage.

Pregnancy is not a justification for marriage. It just so happens that I and my boyfriend still love each other very much, and we made a promise to finish college together and raise our daughter together, even if we don’t live under one roof.

—–

I am dismissing the odds that have been stacked against me as a young mom and I’m defiant with my efforts to fulfill the goals and dreams I had before I found myself pregnant at the age of 15.

What started out as a complete mess, filled with a lot of hurt and anger, is slowly turning into a valuable life lesson.

Today, I’m an Architect OJT in Makati (but I’m still in college) while my parents take good care of my 5-year-old daughter for me. They’re helping me clean-up my mess in the best way they know.

And I must admit—so far, I’m doing a good job.

Meanwhile, there’s a little girl who is making us all realize what it means when someone says “There’s a rainbow always after the rain.”— Rainbow by South Border. Hehehe.

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Tags: abortion, adoption, birth, Boyfriend, children, complicated, daughter, happy, intern, life, marriage, OJT, pregnancy, priorities, responsibilities, self-improvement, self-realization, Wilfred Santos

Inspirational Words from a Little Girl

My 5-year-old daughter saw me in my sad state and told me “Mommy, why are you sad?” And that was the first time I paid serious attention to her because she’s too young to ask me questions like that (I think). It got me thinking. After all, the cause of my depression was my life’s lack of peace.

We were at her dad’s house. Her dad and I kinda argued about stuff parents normally argue about. We fought about money because I’m not earning that much yet ‘coz I’m still in college, and I’m still just an OJT. He’s the only one who’s really working.  I have lots of problems in school and at home. I really can’t take it anymore. I don’t wanna talk about problems when were together (my kid’s dad and I live in separate homes ‘coz were not yet married).

All the responsibilities and obligations I have are so tiring. I’ve attempted to commit suicide lots of times already. People may think that I’m shallow, but I’m not, ‘coz if I am, I would be dead by now.

When I was in 2nd year college, I flunked a subject for the first time. I really felt bad. My parents punished me by not enrolling me the next term. I was an alcoholic then that’s why I failed the subject. So I tried to kill myself one time when I was really drunk, I bought Valium from my friend and drank all of it with alcohol when I got home. I survived. During that time, I had a dream about how I would die. I was having a heart attack then I suddenly lost consciousness. Then the doctors in my dream pressed this electronic thing (I don’t what it’s called) on my chest, trying to revive me. I woke up the next morning, without my parents suspecting what I’ve been doing.

—–

I got carried away there and I said too much. Anyway, when my daughter asked me “Mommy, why are you sad?” I looked at her and said, “Anak, Mommy’s not sad. I’m just thinking on how Mommy will earn lots of money so that she can buy you lots and lots of toys. You like that?”

“Yes po Mommy.” She answered. Then she started jumping and giggling.

“So you have to study well so that you will have lots of money to buy lots of toys, okay?” I told her and smiled.

“Mommy, I prayed to God like this oh…” then she started reciting a prayer, “Lord, please help Mommy and Daddy with their homework so that they can buy me lots of Barbie. And please tell Mommy to go home early so that she can help me with my homework and sleep beside me always. Amen.”

I was touched and a bit guilty as well. I drink with my friends when I have problems instead of going home early to spend time with my daughter. I couldn’t believe that my little girl could say such things. She didn’t sound like a 5-year-old. I guess I wasn’t there every minute of everyday to watch her grow up.

From now on, I’m gonna stop drinking and smoking, and I’m going to do this for my kid. I love her so much and I wanna show it to her before it’s too late.

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Tags: daughter, love, self-improvement, self-realization