Remembering Him… Again!

I am not a girly kind of girl. I’m actually very boyish. In fact, my hobbies are mostly boy stuff, like playing games like DotA, Left 4 Dead, Counter Strike, Free Style… Tekken… (sighs)…I play a lot of games and they’re too damn many to mention. I also like basketball and rock music.

When I met my EX-boyfriend when he was not yet my boyfriend, I was waaaaaaaaaaaaay more boyish than I already am now. He was my major crush and my best friend. We did a lot of boy stuff together.

Then one day, he realized that he likes me. Then after that, he fell in love with me… and yada, yada, yada… And to cut the long story short, he became my boyfriend.

And then my transformation began…

It all started with reading self-improvement books and magazine articles. I wanted to be a better person… I wanted to be the girl for him. I wanted him to be proud that I was his girlfriend. I wasn’t equipped with all the answers ‘coz most of my friends were boys (until now). How the heck are they supposed to know how to act like a girl?

Then I started opening up with my EX-boyfriend who was still my boyfriend that time, prattling about my emotions or how something makes me feel. It’s what separates men from women, no matter how boyish they are.

I remember the time when I first got jealous of girls. But my boyfriend just said, “Okay lang yan. I love you just the way you are…” which to me meant, “I love you even if you’re not as pretty as they are.”So I struggled to become more attractive. And to tell you honestly, if I looked like the way I look like now back then, I wouldn’t have any reason to be jealous of those girls. Hehe, yabang! LOL.

I was scoping out other girls, especially the ones I was jealous of. I think it’s only natural to check out the competition even for girls like me. I compared myself with them and secretly wondered what I’d look like if I had bigger boobs than them, or skinnier than them, hehe. I still do this until now.

I also learned the art of window shopping. I can spend an entire afternoon boutique-browsing and admiring pretty things without making a purchase. It’s not pathetic. It’s ingenious! While I was looking at girls’ clothes, I can’t stop thinking about how I would look like in it. So I didn’t just window shop. I bought new clothes as well, until all the boy clothes in my closet were replaced with girly clothes.

Ever since my EX-boyfriend became my boyfriend, I’ve been spending eons in the bathroom before I go and meet him. After taking a bath, I go to my closet thinking “I have nothing to wear!” as I stare into a closet crammed full of clothes. Then I spend ages putting on make-up, trying to make it look natural as possible.

Before, he finds this adorable because he thought I love him so much that I want to look my best every time I’m with him, and eventually, he started to become very annoyed.

Years later, he started to become mean and less appreciative. We started fighting and fighting over shallow and stupid things… until I’ve lost him to someone else… =( God! Here I am again blogging about him. I really miss him. He changed my life (Queue You changed my life in a moment by Sarah Geronimo LOL).

Oh well, at least I don’t feel that much hatred anymore. Instead of thinking about painful memories, I’d reminisce instead the wonderful memories I’ve had with him. I can’t avoid him forever ‘coz he is still the father of my daughter. I mean, we’re still young. Who knows what could happen?

Maybe I could change some negative things about me along the way. I’ll just enjoy my life as it is now and be happy coz I deserve to be. =)

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Tags: basketball, best friend, boy stuff, Boyfriend, boyish, Counter Strike, Dance with the Devil, DotA, Freestyle, games, girly, Left 4 Dead, love, major crush, memories, Nagashiko, Rhoda Fajardo, rock music, self-improvement, Tekken, transformation, Wilfred Santos

What doesn’t Kill You

…will only make you stronger— A quote I have decided to live by. Hearing this over and over again reminds me how strong a woman I am.

I was used to having someone to call my better half all the time, until he graduated earlier than me, got a job, and fell in love with his officemate.

Last month was Hell! And until now, I can’t get over the inevitable breakup. The moment I broke up with him, I thought I’d get over him easily.

As the days went by, I started to feel the pain getting worse each day, like a bomb you find in this tiny room that’s ticking away in your heart. The sound  getting louder with every passing second. You know what’s coming but you freeze at the moment. And then suddenly, it explodes, and your heart breaks into a million pieces, shooting in all directions.

I thought I was dead, but the truth is, I live to feel the excruciating pain.

But my body, my mind and my heart is learning to adjust, adapt and accept reality as it is. I realized that the world doesn’t stop spinning just because I experienced the most devastating blow of my life so far.

Here’s a quote from a blogger friend,  Tricia…

“Life’s a bitch. But you are bitchier than anything else. You can get through it all. There’s always a light at the end of every tunnel. Just be tough.”

And I send this message to other girls like me. =D

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Tags: Boyfriend, breaking up, buhay, changes, Dance with the Devil, hurt, letting go, love, moving on, Nagashiko, pain, reformat, Rhoda Fajardo, sadness, self-realization, shut down, suicide, Wilfred Santos

Reformat

I have already experienced a lot of challenges in my life, and I’ve been hurt so many times. I’m struggling to find answers to my questions that Google couldn’t answer.

“I sit here alone and forgotten. You’re love was all I had. Now that it’s gone…

I have nothing to live for…”

No matter how hard I try to get over him, there’s still that sort of feeling… remembering the ways things used to be, and how they are now. And hope that the new person in his life was still me, and everything was how it used be, erasing all the bad things that happened.

Although we have been apart for a while, and now he already has a different love in his life, I still can’t help but wonder how his life is, if his heart still beats a little faster as mine does when he remembers me. That is, if he stills remembers me…

7 years ago, he was just a boy I had a crush on. We have a history… a friendship, we listened to each other and laughed together. Then we fell in love.  I didn’t have to pretend with him. He loved me for what I am.

My feelings have never been more clear, and I know they will never go away just like that. My friends and even his new girlfriend kept telling me, “Move on! Just accept the fact that he’s not yours anymore!” Some people just can’t understand how I’m suffering right now. I’ve done stupid things recently just to let all the hurt out. I have been a psychotic bitch and ranted about a whole bunch of things on Facebook.  As a result, he and his new girlfriend started to hate me.

I wanted to forget about him. I even tried to kill myself just so the pain in my heart would go away, but I couldn’t because of my daughter.

It really takes a lot of time to move on, especially with someone like him, who is the father of my daughter, and the love of my life. Until now, I wish I couldv’e undone all the wrong things I’ve done, even before all this happened. I’m not even sure if I could move on at all.

I can’t keep on fighting for him if he doesn’t want me back. I have to let him go. I have to be strong no matter how much it hurts. And I know that this experience will make me a stronger woman.

Here’s me, deleting all the bad memories in my head, shutting down and reformatting my life…

—–

EDITED: I’ll be working again soon. I guess it’s a good start for my new life. Looking at the bright side, being single isn’t so bad at all. I can do whatever I want while I’m still young and free. After all, I’m not yet ready for commitments, and especially not for married life.

Pregnancy is not a justification for marriage. Marriage can wait. There are still a whole bunch of things ahead of me. I won’t plan ahead for someone’s life anymore except for mine and my kid’s.

I’ll just live my life and be happy. =)

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Tags: Boyfriend, breaking up, buhay, changes, Dance with the Devil, hurt, letting go, love, moving on, Nagashiko, pain, reformat, Rhoda Fajardo, sadness, self-realization, shut down, suicide, Wilfred Santos